Awareness is a Bitch: A Cautionary Tale




A tough, confronting, no-holds-barred bitch who does not back down.  Awareness has shown me with unrelenting clarity how I am responsible for the draining emotional roller coaster I have been on the past three months.  Other than my time with clients- which is when I feel most connected to myself- I have been a stressed-out, emotional mess: my heart feeling like an exposed, over-circuited wire.

This is all a backlash from yoga.  The sensitivity and awareness that comes with continued practice cannot be taken back, and becomes a liability without continued commitment to source and soul for protection and strength.  I committed and persisted with my practice and teacher training, becoming aware of subtle energies within and around us, aware of my power as a co-creator of the world, and aware of my connection to every living thing and the infinite around us.  I felt the practice clear lifetimes of karma, give me bliss, strengthen my intuition, and help me understand that intuition as a doorway Infinite knowledge.  An Infinite I didn’t even believe in when I began.  I even got a great relationship out of the deal.

But no one told me the downside.  Since June 2014, I’ve been focusing on prosperity and growing my business, focusing on material and status needs rather than my life’s purpose, which is to share love and healing though my work as a therapist and teacher.  Instead of focusing on my life’s purpose and the self-care that comes with it, I have slowly been sinking under the weight of my self-created expectations and obligations.  I’ve been waking up anxious to get everything done, as my to-do list is longer than the day is.  I feel pressured to eat healthy, work out, make money, build a business, and spend time with my boyfriend, family & friends.  I have made excuses for myself about being too busy and frantic to practice yoga or meditate regularly.  And then I am not only stressed and overwhelmed, but losing my anchor to the seat of bliss, my soul.

This sinking was all the more painful for my awareness of my role in it.   I have been acutely aware that something is wrong: that sacrificing my food choices and avoiding the feelings of powerlessness and overwhelm with frequent Netflix marathons is a sign that something is wrong.  I have been aware of losing connection with myself, but feeling out of control of that loss of connection.

But thankfully I hit rock-bottom this weekend, when I realized I was not enjoying things that should be enjoyable, and that I was getting sick.  This is not like me.  I typically feel good most of the time, and bounce back from challenges.  I do not get sick often, and it is always a sign I need to slow down and do some self-reflection.  So I thought and journaled, and cried and cleaned.  And came to the conclusion that Awareness is actually a two-faced bitch.

On one side, she makes you acutely aware of your role and responsibility in all you experience, the weight of which can seem too much to bear if already overwhelmed.  On the other side, she makes you aware of the purpose and role of tough times.  As a therapist I would have a hard time relating to clients if my life was peachy-keen all the time, so I am thankful for these times of struggle.  Perhaps I needed this downward spiral to recommit/ reconnect to my sporadic-at-best yoga practice.   I have a long history of avoiding money issues or setting financial goals, so maybe I needed this experience to clarify my intentions and role related to money and business so they can be integrated into my psyche.  Or maybe I went through it so I could share it with you right now.

What I am absolutely certain of, is that this experience has helped me realize that no matter the phase in life, my relationship to my soul must come first.  I can’t be a good girlfriend, mother, daughter, or friend, or attract or achieve anything without being in resonance with my highest self first.  So I started today.  I organized a kitchen that’s been driving me crazy.  I listened to Guru Singh podcasts, walked my dog, took a nice, long shower, journaled, and did One Minute Breath for seven minutes.  I did it all with love and care for myself, and I am even going to a Vinyasa class this afternoon.  I can feel the beginning of a reunification with my soul, and some grief over the time I spent away from myself over the past few months.  I have identified three mantras or affirmations to help me out of this spiral, and created these signs as reminders:

BalancedLife

BeautifuBountifulBlissfulIntentionstoguides

What mantras or affirmations help you connect to your spirit or purpose??

Love & Light,

 

Jen

 


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2 thoughts on “Awareness is a Bitch: A Cautionary Tale

  • Aryan

    Thank you for sharing your process, I believe this is a struggle we all have on a daily basis. As young children we learn quickly to lose ourselves in order to cope with environment and that would become our pattern. I am still taking baby steps to reconnected with “me” and this post was a light on my path!