Letting Go of My Need to Know

Sat Nam,

We hope you’re doing well today.  I just had an amazing experience pulling cards: it feels like six months of spiritual growth has been brought into sharp focus with one card-pull, and I want to share it with you.  I also think it will help me consolidate my spiritual lessons of the past 6 months if I write it out, so thank-you for holding this space for me!

(In case it’s not part of your practice, Ramtin and I often use oracle cards as a way to receive guidance and inspiration in our lives.  These are beautiful decks of cards with messages on them, usually with a theme, and with a guidebook that dives deeper into the meaning of the card).  

One of my favorite decks was gifted to me by a soul sister, and is based on the Persian poet Rumi, and that is the deck I used for this revelation I’m going to share.   Now, this deck is *deep.*  Each card has an associated poem, then 2-3 pages of exposition, and a recommended ritual or practice to do.  These cards carry a ton of meaning, so I usually pick a card as a guiding lesson or principal for a month or a quarter so I can give it some time to absorb.  I also like to take a picture of the card and save it as my screen saver on my phone for inspiration.

 

So, a few days ago I felt the beginning of an energetic and spiritual shift; in that stage of spiritual growth that feels like a re-birth.  This re-birth happened after 6 months of what felt like chaos and an ever-changing landscape of what my life looked like.  There were major life events that required adjusting how I saw my life unfolding almost monthly over those six months.  

First I found out I was pregnant and was excited and scared, unsure of how becoming  a parent would change me and change my life. Then I got further into my first trimester and realized pregnancy was not going to feel the way I expected/ wanted it to, and had to adjust to that, as well some complications I was having.   Once the first trimester was over and I was feeling more acclimated and secure in my pregnancy, we  found out at our 16 week appointment that we’d had a miscarriage, and we had to adjust to the new reality that I was no longer pregnant, and shift my vision/ expectations/ attachment of how the next 6-12 months were going to look.   The week after the miscarriage I developed some minor health symptoms that again called me to adjust my expectations of what a day or week looked like, and how I spent my free time and money as I now had several Acupuncture appointments a week.  Then, the next week Coronavirus and COVID-19 started sweeping through the US and we were placed on safe-at-home orders, moving my full-time job to my little office at home, and the global fears and anxiety that it brought along with it.  

Yowza, just typing it all out is validating: that is a LOT of transition in such a short period of time!  No wonder I felt like I was on an emotional and energetic roller coaster.  Despite the chaos, my consistent spiritual practice has kept me grounded and able to access my joy and sense of well-being in the midst of also feeling excited, exhausted, disappointed, sad, angry, fearful, and resentful.  I was able to keep grounded in the truth that my well-being is intact, despite the flowing emotions and changing landscape of my life and health. 

While I was mostly managing the day-to-day, Earthly and emotional needs, these constantly shifting tides were each an opportunity for me to realize how tightly I hold on to the illusion that I am in control of my life.   I am, of course, a co-creator of my life and experience, but I was living under the very thin assumption that I was somehow in control of it.  My ego (and maybe yours, too), likes to give me this illusion that I am in control: it makes me feel safe, even if it’s a false sense of safety.  It’s a false sense of safety established on the illusion that I – with my human mind – can possibly know what’s best for me and for those around me.  It is a sense of safety built on the assumption that if I just do everything right then everything will turn out the way I want it to.  

But, that’s not the way life works. Things come along that knock us off the plan we established for ourselves. In the short run it can be disorienting and painful, but often in the long run, when we look back at our lives, those times we were knocked off our plan are what set us on an even better course for our lives that we couldn’t have planned or foreseen for ourselves.

So it seems to me that the trick is to be in trust of the overarching plan for our lives, even when we get knocked around a bit.  It’s not to say that we have to feel good about things that knock us around, but we can aim to make room for a larger view of our life plan and trusting in the unfolding of our life in between the times we also need to cry and rage and numb ourselves with a good show.

Difficult circumstances also have a way of bringing great clarity to our lives; of highlighting the strength and courage we have that we didn’t know we had, and of bringing to surface that areas of ourselves that need healing.  I know I have a confidence now that I didn’t have 6 months ago.

 

So, back to the lovely card I pulled from the RUMI deck.   As I said earlier, I had been sheltering from home for 6 weeks.  I felt my sense of safety and equilibrium starting to root again, but this time rooting into something more vast and constant than my mind’s limited view and expectations.  

So, I pulled a card called ‘Blessing of Al-Hakim,’ and as usual the RUMI poem and beautiful words written by the Author of the deck (Alana Fairchild) resonated so deeply that a chill ran over my arms and down my back.  

The Rumi poem associated with this card is: 

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment!
Cleverness is opinion; bewilderment is vision.
– RUMI

Upon first reading of this poem, my brain almost broke because my ego and identify are deeply attached to my intelligence.  I am known for being knowledgeable, smart, and able to see how things work together and how they are going to play out.  To read that bewilderment is of greater value than cleverness felt like a punch in the gut, but then I kept reading and peeling back the layers of my automatic reaction. 

Two quotes from what the Author wrote to expand on the poem that stuck out to me are: 

“…the price of being closer to the Divine is giving up your need to always understand,”

&
“…there is divine healing  that can occur most readily in the unknowing. 


My ego and mind still protest against seeking to be unknowing, in bewilderment, and to relinquish the need to understand.  But, if I continue to attach myself to a view of myself and the world that is limited by my human mind and my human experiences, isn’t that limited?  Does that leave room for the divine, miracles, and magic that happen when you dance with life instead of try to orchestrate every move and outcome? 

Also, how clever can my human mind really be when it is skewed by the biases and memories stored in my subconscious mind and can be influenced by my ego’s desire to keep me emotionally and physically safe, which is the opposite of growth and freedom.  As a human being you can’t know everything, and to accept that state of unknowing allows for the subtle magic and mystery of life to seep in and dazzle you.  It also allows you to connect to the intelligence of your heart. This is what is meant by our business name, Heart Centered Revolution.

To cling to control is to not let in the divine guidance that may know better than you.  it is the opposite of trusting the divine unfolding of your life. It is thinking that you know better than the Universe how things are supposed to go. 

I am writing these words as much for myself as to share with you (perhaps more).  This lens is going to take some practice to make a habit, and will of course be balanced with my much-practiced lens of setting intentions and goals and making efforts to reach them. I will be revisiting the words in this email and this card for the next weeks to integrate a new facet of my way of being, but I can already feel it taking root.  I can feel myself being less inclined to plan months or years in advance.  I can feel myself resist attaching to outcomes and being more invested in how something feels and taking inspired action. 

Quick side note: Because you’re lovely and will be wondering how Ramtin and I are doing since the miscarriage, I want to assure you we are doing well.  We have never been so grateful to have had a strong spiritual practice, and we have a loving and supportive community of family and friends. It has been difficult, but ultimately we do believe that things happen for our benefit (even when they’re painful), and with the support of our practice and community we’ve been able to heal and move forward.  (If you’re reading this and you’ve had a miscarriage, know that whatever your response was, is valid.  We are all in different places and experience things differently, and there is no ‘right’ way to move through grief). 

So, now you know what I’ll be working on for the next stage of spiritual growth. What about you? What way of being or lesson are integrating right now?  How can Ramtin and I support you in it?   

Love, 

Jen Pourvasei

P.S. – If you’d like to get a deck of these RUMI cards, you can find them on Amazon by clicking here (affiliate link).

You can learn more about the Author of the cards, Alana Fairchild, by clicking here, and more about the Illustrator, Rassouli, by clicking here

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